I haven’t
always been a spazz. I haven’t always stressed about what that person actually
meant, why the mailman hasn’t come yet, what do I do if this happens or that
doesn’t happen, how should I respond if someone asks me this question? I used
to be very flexible. I was homeschooled, so schedule was not really in my
vocabulary. I got my school work done, I got to work in time, and I was able to
make my appointments, but I wasn’t raised with every hour of my life planned
out. I could spend 3 hours reading if I wanted to, as long as I got that math
work done before dinner. Life was easy. Life was simple.
In my
Aspie-world, I thought that people knew that I liked them, based on the fact
that I talked to them and hung out with them. Why would I talk to them or hang
out with them if I didn’t like them? I always wondered why boys seemed to like
me, and I liked them back, but they would never do anything about it, but I
figured it was them and not me. I thought I had a lot of friends. Good friends.
Friends I had known for a long time. Then I went to college and I knew
everyone, I liked mostly everyone, I had a great time.
Then
somewhere in my mid-20’s I was married with a few kids and I found something
out: people that I thought I was close to, didn’t think they were close to me.
People that I thought were good friends considered me an acquaintance friend;
someone they knew and hung out with, but didn’t really know. That was shocking
to me, and also hurtful.
I also
found out that people can be nice to you and talk to you a lot but then also
lie about major factors in their life; like that they’re thinking about leaving
their spouse, or that they have a nicotine addiction, and other things. That
was very hard for me to deal with.
So now I
am a first-class spazz. I have to be. Apparently I cannot distinguish social
cues on their own, so I have to over-analyze every word, look, and action to
see what they really mean. This is a very stressful practice. In the last 5 or
so years I have learned to save this for only those I really care about. If I
were to analyze everything anyone ever said to me I would go crazy, and so
would my poor husband who has to hear all of my rantings and theorizing that I
do about people. So if I really care about you, I will analyze everything you
say to me, every look you give me, and every action done against me, because I
am always afraid that I will miss something and I will find out that you never
cared for me as much as I thought you did. I will also analyze everything I say
to you, and whether you took it wrong, or if you took it how I meant it to be
taken, good or bad.
This may
sound terrible creepy and stalker-ish, but it’s the truth. I am terrified of
being hurt and I despise being lied to. I would rather someone tell me the
truth of what they think and feel about me to my face than for you to pretend
you like me and care about me and lie to me. Of course, I would rather you just
like me, but not everything can be perfect.
***”Aspie” is a nickname for someone with Asperger’s
Syndrome which is also called High Functioning Autism. It is most common in boys, but girls can also have it. For girls it is usually diagnosed as
being shy and emotionally detached, whereas boys will typically deal with their
lack of social cues by being loud and obnoxious. ***