Monday, February 3, 2014

"A Friend is One Who Knows You and Loves You Anyway"

I had a friend once. She was a lovely friend. We would laugh every time we were together. She was kind, funny, and very sweet. She would laugh at my naivete, call me out when I was lying, and see right through me when I tried to pretend nothing was wrong. I lost that friend. I'm not really sure how. I thought we were good friends, I thought we talked enough to continue the friendship, and then I found out nothing was as I thought it was, and that everything was different.

This blog is for that friend, if she ever reads this.

And I want to say to you, that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't as good a friend to you as you were to me. I'm sorry that I was too naive to see the problems you were facing. I'm sorry that I didn't understand that the things you told me were just little clues to what you were really struggling with, not the problems themselves. I'm sorry that I did not make you talk to me, and I just let you go on, hoping that you would talk to me. I'm sorry that I didn't show you how much I cared about you and how much you meant to me.

I remember when you told me how your marriage was struggling and I didn't understand. I didn't understand how serious it was. I'm sorry.

I remember you reaching out to me and I was too young and selfish to see that you needed my friendship as badly as I needed yours. I didn't understand that I needed to reach out to you as well. I thought I could rely on you reaching out to me and it wasn't enough.

I'm sorry that I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you could talk to me about what was going on. I'm sorry that I didn't ask you to pray with me at that Ladies Retreat when we held onto each other so tightly. I thought I could talk to you later about it. I didn't realize there wouldn't be a later. I didn't understand that life changes and you can't go back.

I'm sorry that you couldn't be there when I had my last baby. I missed you. I was giving birth and I missed you not being there. I didn't want anyone else there. I cried because you weren't there.

I remember going to see you in the hospital and I was determined to cheer you up and make you feel better, but when I saw you I just started crying because I almost lost you. I saw you in that hospital bed and you were so pale, and I realized how close I had come to losing you. And it terrified me. And then I really lost you for real. 

I still miss you, and I haven't talked to you in almost four years. You were the best friend I've ever had in my grown up years. I haven't met someone that I've bonded with like I did you. I didn't have to struggle to be your friend, you just were. I didn't have to work at it, although now I see that I should have worked harder. I should have made more of an effort. I wish I could go back and tell you how much you meant to me.

 I want you to know that I never, ever gossiped about you or said anything bad about you. If anyone, and I mean anyone, started to say anything negative or inappropriate about you I either made them stop or I left. I should have done more, but I didn't. But I also did not gossip about you, even though I'm sure you've heard differently. You probably won't believe me, but it's true. I came to you first when I heard anything. I didn't want to, because I knew it would hurt you, but I did, because I knew it was the right thing to do.

I don't know what your life is like now. I've heard or read things here or there, but I don't know what life is like for you personally. I hope you're happy. I hope with all of my heart that you've made peace with God and others. I pray that you go to bed at night with peace and joy in your heart and not regret and shame. My heart hurts for you because I don't know.

Maybe someday we can be friends again. I really hope so. I want to hear your silly laugh again and make jokes about my perfect eyebrows. And if we do become friends again I will try a lot harder. I will be a better friend. I will ask about you, and I will make you tell me things. I will tell you how much you mean to me.

I pray for you nearly every day. I don't know how you would feel about it, but it's true. And I'm sorry. For everything. I hope that you can forgive me, even if you don't ever want to be my friend again.

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